One of the more significant and interesting traditions in Fresno that has survived from days of old involves driving or strolling down Christmas Tree Lane. For the past 89 — yes, eighty-nine — years, folks living in the section of town known as “Old Fig Garden” have decorated their homes with elaborate lighting and Christmas scenes for the enjoyment of all.

A Tuesday night stabbing on Fresno’s Christmas Tree Lane, which took place near dozens of strolling families, is prompting event organizers to re-evaluate the long holiday tradition. ^[1]Jim Guy, “Stabbing mars tradition” (December 15, 2011) The Fresno Bee, p. A3.

But, hey, it’s only an 89-year-old tradition and someone just got stabbed!

I have a better solution. Keep Christmas Tree Lane open. We’ll set up metal detectors at each end — leaving the side streets unguarded, of course — make everyone take off their shoes before entering, and grab their genitals. Especially those of children and old ladies in wheelchairs.

That way, everyone will feel safer and we can keep Christmas Tree Lane.